books!

this blog entry was written during my 0B, AP Eng class...woohoo...anyway, having finished both videos our teacher left for us, [ this latest one being about William Faulkner, an author I heartily abhore] we were directed to read our Hemingway books (the Sun Also Rises) or find something else to do. Having finished the book over the weekend, and having absolutlely nothing else to do, i decided to compose a blog for my lovely blog-readers! :)
This one, i think, since i'm already on the topic, shall be about books...I adore the written word. I can't go an entire day without reading something, whether it be a book, a magizine, a newspaper, anything! it just has to be words and sentances on paper, and i'm gone! The fact that i read very fast is a source of constant irritation to me, and other ppl around me, as i am totally convinced that i would have been able to spend more time with favorite novels, (strech them out, so to speak, savor them, in other words) if only i had read them slower, instead of over and over agian...and I also probably would have avoided a lot of the trouble a bored hana'li finds herself in...fidgeting while waiting for the class to finish, messing with her sister (who is also a fast reader), doodling on papers, talking, etc...one of my father's favorite things to say to us as children was "put the book down, and go outside." It is actually probably best he made us do that, otherwise i would not be as outdoors-loving as i am now....
once outside, my sisters and i would attempt to re-create the things we were reading about...tents from the Blue Sword, shelters like Robinson Caruso, hikes from the Narnia Chronicles, pretend battle from the Hero and the Crown...an eventful and imaginative childhood, and i'm quite convinced it was not only due to the fact that there are three children in my family, but also from the fact that all of us were avid readers...
My reading habit remains my one true "vanity" and blindspot. I honestly don't know why I read so fast, and it bothers me a bit that other people don't..and that they don't share my enthusiasm for the printed word... sure T.V. is lovely, i personally adore my SciFi channel, but still..nothing replaces books, and never will in my opinion ;)

Oh! and i thought, like Silver, i would include this little rhyme I've been quite fond of for years:

"See the happy moron,

He doesn't give a damn,

I wish I was a moron,

My god! prehaps I am!"

Eugene Resolves (?)

info...

hey! neat stuff!
chickens can learn to play tic-tac-toe, pigeons can learn to play ping-pong, and cats can learn to find their way out of puzzle boxes...how? through something called operant/ instrumental conditioning..one of the most useful little tidbits i've learned in psychology this year, horray!
ok, in other words (thank you E.L. Thorndike and B.F.Skinner) :" The law of effect states that behaviors followed by positive consequences are stregthened, while behaviors followed by negative consequences are weakened." So, " an operant response is a response that can be modified by its consequences and is a meaningful unit of ongoing behavior that can easily be measured."
whee! any questions students?? jk, heehee, and yes, this is the same stuff that Pavlov, his drooling dog, and his bell deal with..(hint : look it up you might learn something)
so anyway, this is what caught my interest in psyc. today, and i thought i'd share something i found interesting..next week's lecture: animal husbandry ;) jk

oatmeal!

ok ok, here's something AWESOME, i've been meaning to talk about for a while....it bigger than world peace..cooler than Reb's fuzzy socks, its dinosaur oatmeal!!!! yes!! at first, when dry and cold, it looks like little white eggs in the oatmeal, then (!!) you put in hot water, and stir and the eggs dissolve/"hatch" into colorful mini dinos!!!! is sooooooooo cool!!!!!!!
but making oatmeal has now driven home the fact of why i love my contacts so much..oatmeal makes my glasses fog up...hahahaha

ahh..saturday's..and the wee morning hours of sundays!

*yawn* ya know, 3 o'clock in the morning is a very strange place to find oneself...but hey, it was fun...must do it agian some time..a long time from now actually, i'm still yawning...anyway, yesterday was my first ever christmas parade! YAY!! my babies marched so well that the director decided to count the parade as extra extra credit for everyone..yay, agian! i must congradulate my low brass section, without the bari sax who is the bane of my life, they play surprisingly decent...makes me happy..must discourage said bari sax from playing more often ;) switch the little bugger to tenor sax or something....anyway, the that afternoon, myself, sarah, john, and a tutor from school all went over to Horn in the West to play some christmas type songs as directed to by wink....who basically just shoved music in my hands and said to play whatever i wanted to, he was going to be singing at another venue... ya know, i complain mightily when he does things like this, but in reality i really do enjoy being the one calling the shots...at least then i don't have to worry about making some parent mad that i neglected their wonderful little angel, cuz then the musicians who show up to these sort of gigs really want to be there....anyway, my lovely, freezing cold, very wonderful twin played lead, all by herself i might add, for the very first time, and turned out to be very wonderful!! kudos darling, ya know i love you! and surprisingly a group comprised of a tuba, a bari sax, an alto sax and an electric guitar doesn't sound half bad...heh, imagine that...
anyway then off to get coffee (we were all about frozen through by the end of the gig) and then home where i proceeded to eat much more chocolate then is good for me, and then fall asleep (AGIAN!!) with my contacts in...arrrggghh..that is the most uncomfortable feeling....you practically have to peel the littel buggers off...ugggh..not pleasent, and then once i had woken up, i decided i was much too warm to go back to sleep (da really does need to turn the heater down at night) so what do i do? i wander over to the computert and proceed to type away for 3 hours...heh...so that was my saturday...
oh, and i did put in job applications at App Ski Mt., wearing my most modest of sweater sets, as i was applying to the nursery (despite the fact i usually shy from little children, there is the ironic fact that i happen to be good with the wee ones..what a useless talent, as i plan not to be having my own anytime soon, if at all)..hopefully i'll get a call back, and my tenure in Hardee's Hell will be over..and i definately won't miss the place, as teh only things that made it good were my backline friends and tony...whom i can see anytime i want to outside of work :))
so, here's a song i dearly love, just for ya'll..enjoy

the Rainbow Connection (from the "Muppet Movie")

Kermit: Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it,
And look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

All of us under its spell,
We know that it's probably magic...
... Have you been half asleep?
And have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name....
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm s'posed to be...
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

Laa, da daa dee da daa daa,
La laa la la laa dee daa doo...

turkey day!!

what can i say, the Lipizzauners were spectacular! absolutely wonderful, and the MC actually explained the traditions behind the horses and their preformances....and thanks to the Beautiful, Talented, and Wonderfully Camera Savvy Claire, i now have pictures of those majestic creatures! yay! i must say (predictably) that my favorite part of the show was the choreography to Sing Sing Sing...i absolutely hate playing that song, but when listened to while watching an exquiste white stallion go through its paces, it takes on a whole new, surreal meaning...needless to say, i loved the show last night!
anyway, thanksgiving....yeeeea....relations from the paternal side, the g'rents and the great grand matron all showed up to our house around noon, and preceded to be shown the grand tour of the eckerd home...my sister, of course, showed off her new bedroom murals (they are beautiful, and very colorful) and i showed off the fact that i still have not managed to finish painting my room...however this could be a good thing, since it appears the color i picked out bears too close a proximity to carolina, UNC, blue....i refuse to have my bedroom painted in carolina blue..i plan to start my own murals quite soon!
so the key plan tomorrow is to avoid like the plague all shopping establishments...Black Friday and all that...ugh, if i hated shopping to begin with, i loathe it on this day of the year...and so i shall spend my morning attempting to escape the 6th Circle Hell, known as Hardee's to mere mortals, by putting in an application for work at practically everywhere hiring in the towns of Boone and Blowing Rock (which is actually closer to my house, truth be told)....and then off to my "guitar-savvy" friend's house to jam and sing and whatever, until i come home around supper time when my father is serving roast of deer...i dearly love venison, no pun intended! never been hunting before, and i really don't plan to go anytime soon, but i really despise the fact that my dad made it a condition of me learning how to shoot...whats wrong with targets???? and actually, i'd rather learn how to bow hunt, if i must hunt....it seems..fairer... to me, than hunting with guns..blah..not sporting...but "the pull is too much for you"... what??!! 30 frikkin' pounds??!! whatever! anyway, time to watch some Mission Impossible...good movie...hot star ;) !

yay! horsies!!

i don't think i like said guy anymore..hmmmm..how odd..it turns out he wasn't what i wanted after all...still a very sweet child though, whom i hope to be friends with for a very long time...but...just not with the liking-and-wanting-to-date anymore...well, there goes at least 7 months in which i could have been doing other things...anyway,
its a very rainy day today, but i am in an extremely good mood..i really don't know why ;) community band was excellent last night, i must say i don't actually hate tenor sax as much as i claim to, but i just happen to absolutely love my bari....and now that (slightly) obnoxious bari sax player in community band thinks i should have brought my bari and played also...sometimes.....i just want to scream, but i need to be playing other saxes too, one shouldn't be restricted to just one type of instrument :))) ....(just as long as i don't have to play clarinet anymore!!!!!) the parental units are pissed off at me for coming home late last night, but i think i actually scared them more then anything...ever seen what happens to a dirt road through the mountains in heavy rain??? so apprentely if i go to community band from now on, i must be taken and picked up by the maternal unit....which i guess is ok...thats what she was doing before!
ho hum....thanksgiving is coming! lots of food, relatives whom i haven't seen in about 4 months to a year..and did i mention lots of food???? ee gad i love my mothers cooking...
tonight i get to go see the Lippazauners(sp?) big white beautiful dancing horses....a long tradition from anouther country which i have waited to see my entire life... i was more then slightly horse~obsessed growing up, and still dearly love the animals....and apprently the entire town of boone might just show up from the way mum is talking...its kinda like a secret society...people don't mention they have bought tickets until they hear someone else mentions it....like they're not sure if its allowed for adults to buy tickets to see dancing horses :) ahh..the inner child and all that rot...jk..anyway, i can't wait til tonight!!! unfortanately i spend my time until then cleaning various things in the anticipation of the flock of relations converging on the eckerd house tomorrow.....i hate cleaning....but i'm still smiling from my good mood, so!

yay!

yay! had fun at open mic night! can't wait til the next one!! PAUL AND ELAINE ROCKED MY WORLD!
my favorite guy has come and gone leaving me happy and smiling...didn't get to hang with him as much as i would have liked, but at least this visit was lightyears better than the last ... yay!
anyway, i have been "inspired" by last nights open mic to get some of my lyrics and songs started up agian...i have a wonderful guitarist, a bassist, now all i need is a drummer! any takers??? the style is blues rock, usually...
anyway, going to go watch Hope Floats with my mum and the chick posse, and hopefully cry my eyes out and be inspired never to marry a jerk :)
and to my beautiful KT, feel better!!!! you got twin love!

my choices define me

this post is dedicated to said guy;
you wonder why i want to join the armed forces, you think i dont realize how horrible war is, and you consider me to be hiding from the truth...your truth that is...but what you don't know sweetie, are the real reasons i am joining the military..the more mundane reason is because i can not afford to go to college unless i get a decent amount of scholarships, and lets face it, as 70-ish in my class, it probably won't happen...the next, and most important reason, is job security...where else am i to find a steady job involving music? i don't want to teach, i never have, and with my father lecturing on starving musicians, and hearing about how hard some of my friends have had it trying to go independant in the "music biz," i'm not inclined to let a good paying job slip away...the bands in the armed services are the best in the world, and to become a part of that, is a dream...its an oppurtunity to play music i've only wished i could play...
the next thing you have a problem with, i've noticed, is that you tend to get rather idealistic when it comes to peace...sweetheart, you may spend you entire life "fighting" for it, but its not going to happen anything soon...its quite simply not the way the world works, and you, my young friend, have not lived near long enough, you have not seen near enough, and you have not exprianced near enough to be able to pull up a convincing arguement for an end to the military...we can't "all just get along"....people aren't made like that
i support the armed forces..why? because the men and women who are giving all they have for us deserve at least that..i do not agree with the war currently in progress..i think it was an intolerably bad move, and i personally am of the opinion that saddam should have been removed from power in Desert Storm..we should not have waited until the man got the means to attack and kill innocent civilians, we should not have allowed such a transgression on our world to develop...
but what you also have to realize is that you should not condemn the men and women who have given thier lives in this cause...you should not condemn the military for its currupt leaders..the people who signed on with the government are not the criminals that you paint them to be..they are not the killers of innocents..for the most part, they are people trying to survive and make a living...they serve to protect us, and i think that you need to sit down and talk with some of these people before you even begin to think you have all the answers...you are a privalaged child, what have you known of pain and poverty? you claim to see the pictures of the dead, the wounded, the innocent victims, but do you really care? or are you just trying to make a point? are you trying to guilt trip people in to seeing as you see? what you are allowed to see on the internet, or the tv, or in magizines, is what the people putting those images out want you to see...
do not attack me for my views sweet child...rather talk to me in a civilized manner about them, and try to understand my point of view..you have no right to lecture me, if you will not even listen to what i have to say....and i have never supported war for the sake of war, and i have never believed in unnessicary violence..remember my background, you who speak of dr. martin luther king jr....where did i come from? do you not think i have seen unfairness? i have seen it and i have seen pain, and poverty and i have lived through the death of people i went school with...i believe in fighting for what i think to be right, what i know in my heart to be true..i don't think that violence solves everything, far from it...but there are things worth fighting for, and i will not sit back and let my beliefs be swept aside, whether it is just in speaking ot you and letting you know how i feel about my desisions...and never doubt that i love you child, for all that you have tried your best to lose me as a friend...

trucks, fires, and fridays

since monday my "student leader" problems have apparently cleared up, due in part to the director returning from his brief hiatus, and also due to the fact that the other senior jazz people returned from their respective out-of-school expriances...thank goodness for small favors...anyway friday is still shining brightly on my horizon, my anticipation level right now is extremly high..not only is it a day where i do not have to work, its also open-mic night (one quick song with my guitar-savvy friend) and then possibly a movie with my favorite guy and crew...and of course the next morning is the pancake breakfast with my loverly jazz babies... and most of the intolerable ones will not be present! YAY! food, friends, and musci that makes me happy...absolute bliss...and, you may ask, is the beautiful one I have spoken of so longingly before be there??? yes, in all his talented, jazzy, musical glory...my goodness...when i fall for someone i hit rather hard don't i? I'm still ocnsidering whether or not to ask him out, but for today, i think i shall be content with the fact that he actually noticed me during Jazz instead of doing his usual relentless obliviousness...ah, well... one day maybe i'll get my nerve up..just didn't feel like the possibility of rejection right when i am starting to be moderately happy with the world..
oh ....my ....word.... my father just caught his truck on fire...how....amusing...no harm done, buti swear, our family is like bubba meets southern living...tasteful and refined in some instances, and then whamo! somebody comes out with something so redneck it curls your hair....anyway, let me go run the fire extinguisher out to dad.....

way down low

ok, so the elation of of yesterday has quickly ben smothered by the pain of an immense headache, brought on by the worst monday in human history...everybody was gone on one field trip/string fest/drama production or anouther, not to mention that the band director was out for his mother agian, leaving yours truely to babysit 70+ band students...the day started ok, i got up on time, i drove to school , no breakfast, but thats usual fo rme, then i got to class (0B), bade naomi and sarah goodbye, and sent them off to their french field trip (which also took my "romantic interest" with it, and its ok to say this here, b/c he doesn't read my blog anyway, lets face it, i fell for a guy who really doesn't give a bat's behind for me), and got on with my day..psychology was a bore as usual (we're talking about drugs, whoopie, i know more then i ever want to know about them, thank you very much) and then off to jazz band..the class that once was my favorite class of the day (silly me, what was i thinking) has turned into the class i dread every day..and today was no better..being left in charge usually doesn't bother me, but today i had a "cut-up" ..the kid COULD NOT SHUT UP for 5 seconds, back-talked, had an attitude and general caused a stressful working environ....not to mention i had to talk our slackest musicians through every phrase, every measure, EVERY NOTE of Jingle-Bell Rock..which is seriously the most recognizable piece we play for christmas...so the cut-up kid made my life hell..so ya know what? i got tired, i warned him, and then i wrote him up...he's been doing this crap all year, and i'm FED UP...but i hate doing things like that...i mean, this is band, by this point if you didn't like it, you've gotten out of it, you don't spend the entire class period being an ass, and keeping you bandmates from learning...i don't undersatnd ppl sometimes, i really don't...and then my piano player, who is an awesome friend, and the guy i like weren't there...they were off having a nicer time then me, i'm totally sure....and i could have done with being subjected to said guy's humor today...he makes me smile, he really does...
ok, then i had PE which actually was my favorite class today..i got to ROCK CLIMB!! yay! something the hannah is good at!! i got up and down twice, no prob, in various difficult wall-bits, and then tried the doozzy....this is a hard-ass wall..i got all the way to the top, minus about 6 feet and then slipped..but its ok, the guy belaying me was really sweet and said i was a good climber, apprently girls are better climbers than guys (awww... how nice)..so i go off to Gov't still feeling climber's "high," and then on to Stats, both of which were nice today... and then on to anouther episode of hell, erm, i mean marching band..the sub was AWFUL..the woman could not conduct, i had to lend her my metronome, count off and go over the pieces for her, and then still ended up conducting Greensleeves....i swear, its no wonder my intestines were revolting (damn genetic conditions!) and then brass sectionals, which i cut in half and sent everybody home from..so now i'm here....nursing a headache, and about to eat supper..then i shall go watch pointless sitcoms that make me smile, at least for a while....friday is my beacon of light right now....

here, now

There is a bubble inside of me, gradually swelling with joy, excitement, love and hope as the end of the week enexorably draws nigh...one of my beloved will soon be here to visit and i can hardly sit still (*bounce, bounce* claire!)
This member of my "brute squad" of beautiful ones always makes me smile, no matter what... and he has never dropped me, either in dancing or in life ( metephors are niffty, eh?) so as you can imagine, i miss him like a pain in my heart whenever he is gone ("ain't no sunshine.."), and his visits never fail to send me into transports of "sunny," blissful joy.
Anyway, this bubble is lodged 'neath my breastbone, filling me up, making me radiant and light of foot, with (i'm sure) a benevolent smile upon my face for everyone. I am truely happy, the darkness has been expunged, for now, from my psyche...not only is my KT back in my life, but my "favorite guy" will soon be here to visit..its such a nice, wonderful, uplifting day, dontcha think?
So in the style of Walt Whitman and his "barbaric yawp," i shall now stand defiant and proclaim to the thunderous heavens; "henceforth Depression be banished, for i...am...LOVED!

passions

ok, its finally time to reveal this side of the hannah personality...i'm a complete and totally sci-fi junkie! yes! its true..in fact the reason i'm telling ya'll this is because i want you to go check out this really neat website, scifi.com, and then go to the Stargate *the awesome-est show EVER* part of the site and read up on the hannah passion...due to football season, and work, i haven't had much of a chance to watch my 'gate (or my TNG for matter) but i still adore every last character and episode....it makes me cry..it makes me laugh..and it gives the girl-children of our house something to talk about! plus micheal shanks is yummy ;)
anyway, anouther recent passion that has sprung up (thank sar for this one!) is Manga..yeesssss my lovelys, the japanese "comic books," that are actually like comic novels...very good stuff, and with absolutely beautiful drawings! the story line may be hard to follow at first ( you have to read right to left, scene to scene) but its well worth it....its the next best thing to watching the actually anima, whch are also quite good, the one i've seen anyway, which is samuri champoo....i loved the character Jin...he looked a bit like geddy lee actually, which was kinda odd, but i got used to it...
but ok, so go to scifi.com, and check out Manga *they have manga in walden books, imagine that!* and if you like the things you see on stargate, check out the original movie, which has james spader and kurt russel in it....its my mum's favorite of all the sargate-y things, and a good movie in its own right

rapture!

ok this is joyous email..someone who is very dear to me has come back into my life! i thought i had lost her to college,to UNC, but no! after a year (much to long) i have finally got my KT back!! my flute-mama! my lovely KT-ness!!!!! yay! joy! rapture! i have missed you like the dickins my kt-ness, and i'm so sorry i let keeping in touch with you slip...i am a worm, i know... but your back!!! yes!!! we have so much to talk about! so much to catch up on! i'm a senior now! your a sophmore! what have you done? what have i done? how could i have let you miss out on my life! how could i miss out on yours??!! oh my darling, i have missed you so much, you have no idea! and i, like you have pictures from our last year togather..i take them out...i sigh..and i miss me some KT..but no more!!! ( i even have those niffty little "free KT outings" passes you gave sar and me for our birthday a couple years ago...they're in my wallet, seriously!) yes! the KT is BACK!!!! and she is loved!

while i was going on about country music last blog, i completely forgot about some other new artists that have come into my view from other genres...take peter cincotti for example...the man has a crooner's voice (and face), and a niffty way of playing the piano... his rendition of Blood Sweat and Tears "Spinning Wheel" is awesome...played with a lot of harsh rock laden chords, its absolutly eye-opening, and so different from anything else on his self-titled CD..the three original songs on his CD promise that this kid will hang around a good long while!
And from, surprisingly, the Christian Rock genre (something most of you might suspect i've never listened to), comes an astoundingly punk-type band called 7-Miles... it was kinda of a curousity thing at first, but i liked very much what i heard....i love traditional hymns, the chords are wonderfully soothing, but this is something else entirely...
and here's anouther, Douglas Blue Feather...native american flute with nature backgrounds...i totally could destress to this...sooo soothing.....anyway, mum's cleaning, i best be gettin' out of the way...

country music rides agian

ahhh...saturday mornings..and it was such a looong school week wasn't it? ;) jk
anyway, heres a "note" on music..i don't usually spend my mornings watching CMT, having become disgusted with modern country music a little while ago, but i have to say that there still are some more than decent musicians lurking out there among the "pop-y" upstarts of the younger generation..some who are worth mentioning are Josh Turner, who sings like country men should sing...he has a Cash-like quality to his voice, and low groweling baritone-bass that speaks of sin convincingly..check out his "Long Black Train" song...ohh...goosebumps... anouther singer who has made a comeback with a convincing amount of country-ness is LeeAnn Rhymes...her career was started far too early, though her voice was wonderfulin such a young person(anyone remember her cover of patsy cline's "Blue"?), but after taking a brief haitus she's back with a neat little song (which i forget the name to, wait a tic, it'll come to me) about the crazyness of love....cute little music video to go alone with it too... and of course who can forget such favorites as Allen Jackson, George Strait (Pure Country is a fabulous movie, ya'll should check it out!) Toby Kieth, Garth Brooks, Clint Black, Terry Clark, Dolly Parton, Allison Crous,
and Kenny Chesney(who is an odd duck, but has some good ones under his belt)?
anyway, its a beautiful day, so i'm going to end with this comment; its so good to find artists today that are truely worthy of the name...it keeps us music lovers un-disillusioned and happy :)

so, ever had one of those really odd dreams your absolutely sure means something vitally important, and then you forget them the moment you awake? its been one of those nights...either due to my previous blog, or the fact that i fell asleep in my contacts (agian, gotta stop that), or the fact that i was so excited about going to hickory today with friends, i couldn't sleep peacefully to save my life..dreams, dreams and more dreams! as always, none of them were particularly pleasent (they never are, dammit) but for a change some of them seemed to be centered around an old flame, and his compelling sensuality...now forgive me, but i usually NEVER have sexual dreams...i just don't... its usually nightmares or milder forms of such for me...if i can go a whole night without dreaming (or remembering my dreams) i feel ok in the morning..but still even now i sometimes am jostled awake by a horror of my mind...
overactive imagination you say? hem..i'll have to agree...
on a lighter note, my sister may seem batty to some of you who read her blogs, but i'll have to agree with the newest one..to be among the heavens..to be alone finally, absolutely, to swim in that cold, deep, velvety, pinpricked darkness....ahh..to some it may sound that torture..to us..it sounds like pure unadulterated, sublime bliss.

avoid this if you are easily depressed

ok, here we go, this is the hannah love-lorn posting..this is the only one, i promise...
so say that you, dear reader, are an 18 year old girl...tallish, mildy athletic (in the loosest sense of the word), leaning towards the thinnish side b/c of stress, and not horribly unpleasent to look at, but not a striking beauty either..you also have a wicked temper, which gets you into trouble, but lets face it, its the way you were raised, you either had to be the one to get the leg up, or you got trodden on, the city was no place for quiet lovely people, it was the place for people who hid thier true feelings and tried not to commit social suicide by caring... also say that you, as this girl are " in love" with a younger guy..a guy that is amazingly talented, tall, with a neat sense of humor and a beautiful vistage, he's smart and likes the oddest movies, and is..well...i once said "painfully awesome," and that seems to be the best description so far...this guy is very private, doesn't like to be touched in overly familiar ways, and hates for people to be angry with him..needless to say this guy is absolutely wonderful, and totally inaccessable...so whats a girl to do? does she hang back, keeping her mouth shut and go off to college, never taking the chance of asking this guy out, or does she take the leap, ask him out, take the chance of straining her already slightly strained friendship with the wonderful boy? its not as though said boy has ever dropped any hints to said girl, but that doesn't really matter does it? As a friend, he's charming, as a boyfriend he has the possiblity of making said girl as blissfully happy as she once was in a far-ago relationship...said girl has a problem with depression, and has taken to doubting even her closest friends, which, believe me, needs to stop...its not as if said girl is seeking a deep meaningful realtionship past graduation, she's not looking for marriage her senior year of high school...said girl is also deeply in love, absolutely, totally in love with anouther person, but she is not suited for life with this person at this time...if ever...it doesn't stop the love, but it does create a certain...impressive void...that not just anyone can fill...i'm not going to write my usually anguished immortal cry to the heavens of "why?" but i will end with this...i am tired of depression..i am tired of being lonely...i am tired of fighting.

the morning after :)

ahh, so nice to be 18..legality and all that..anyway, the birthday came off rather nicely, i thought..i got flowers (LILLIES!!! i loves me some jay, tony and jim! thanks ya'll), sar and i got that new-fangled Star Wars super-cool DVD thingy (WOW!!!! PEEP YOU ARE MY HERO!!) from our lovely NY relation, and some strangely intriging little thing called a prayer box from the paternal grandparents...i'm not quite sure what the little things are for exactly, but i think i like it quite a lot...but then, ya'll know my weakness for small box-type jewelry ;) heh, note the "crack ring"...and of course, my favorite and most useful present; moo-lah from the relations... i don't know if its just b/c no one nows what to get 18 years olds ( i love saying that, 18!) anymore, but i really do appreciate the cash guys! :)
oh, and more love goes out to my string-inclined friends, who are at this moment "gettin' r done " at the ASU orchestra contest...woot! go strings, go strings! i expect to hear more good things from you beauties, walker says ya'll always do well, so have at 'em! i expect to see one more plaque in walkers office come monday from ya'll! yay!
and of course the concert thursday was absolutely wonderful guys, i really was happy about the surprise birthday march (heehee, i'm getting ya'll back for that one!) and i thought ya'll all did extremely well! there were some hitches, of course, but they say variety is the spice of life, and i'm not disputing it! i still almost had a heart attack when i was called to the office during 4A... sneaky way to get me out of the classroom to work on the surprise from wink, but worth it!
and i thought walker and wink made a superb jake and elwood blues..heh heh..thats blackmail material there! hahaha!

"after midnight.."

well daaaaa'lings...my first night as a night shift cook was very boring..front line cashiers can be a bit nutty, but then so can "back-liners." all-in-all, though, not a horrible work expriance, even though the customers revolted when i tried to get tony to play NPR's friday night jazz selections...who cares what they think anyway? j/k...
lookin' forward now to open mic night at the great HS..i plan to preform this time (Clapton's Layla, or improv?? ahh..the choices, leave me a comment on you opinion lovelys), so i'm asking off from the 6th Circle of Hell known as Hardees...icky, greasy place, but the ppl are nice, if not normal in the slightest sense of the word...heh..normal...who needs it? but then sometimes its nice to get out of the "maddening" HS crowd and chat with "legal add-dults" i really love my babies at Watagua, but thats what they are, even the ones my age..so depressing at times...yeeeeah..did i mention as a senior i tend to cry a lot more?? ah well, keeps my contacts lubricated... :)
yesss...i am feircely missing my friends to the east...'specially a certain moter-cycle riding youth minister, but i can deal..i plan to see you all very soon, if i can manage...and i really do love you guys even when i swear i don't :)
good luck on the SATS tomorrow all of my lovelys who are taking that horrid thing, i look forward to seeing you all at sar and i's b-day cook-out on sunday..remember, 1:30 t0 5, julian price park picnic area!
i am still crushing on a certian guy...some of you know who he is, some don't, but if he forgets to come on sunday i think i shall be very unhappy..for a long time in fact....i tend to doubt the ones i know love me, but why does this thing have to be so hard? he wants me to be happy, appreantly, but why doesn't he see that he can help do that? just b/c i'm not exotic doesn't mean i'm not intresting..*sigh* ever the hopeless, depressed, more then slightly disillusioned, romantic, eh?
anyway, i have to get back to brush my very long, very wet, extremely tangled hair...ick...
love