ok, so this is how my weekend went

Friday: go to school briefly, then on to district...practice with band from 1:30 to 5:00...then 2 hour practice with laura in prep for my audition..go to jazz concert, get bored to tears, go home
(though i recognized talent when i hear it, and though this trumpet chickie was undeniably talented *Ingrid Jensen* it just wasn't my style..too modern..and the mic-ing was horrendous)

Saturday: run to ASU to practice for a bit BEFORE my day with the band, go to practice with them from 9:30 - 12:00....practice during my lunch break...go to college audition at 1:00..mum and laura and leslie attend *laura let me use her bari..OMG its BEAUTIFUL, and the tone...!!!* laura bringing a good luck necklace and lunch with her*she rocks! i hope i get to be her roomie next year!*...and then run back to district practice from 1:15-5:15...then dinner with tony...*i am exhausted by this point and in tears* and then on to the concert with two of my lovelys playing! and OH it was wonderful! everyone all dressed up, and wonderfully MUSICAL!* then i find out my BF has finally cleaned his closet out, so i can see the extent of his wardrobe *not as bad as i had feared* and then back home

Sunday: band "dress rehersal" at 8:30-9:30 then FREEDOM(!) until the concert *hunting down my uniform from an equisite looking jason in the meanwhile, man, he looked very very good in that ensemble* then lunch with my pretty and wonderful BF, then the concert WHICH ROCKED!!!!!!!!!! *our conductor looks at us and says "don't rush this piece, or i'll rip your throat out" ;)...the man was seriously one of the best conductors i have ever had the pleasure of working with...truthfully!* and then run out of that, greet the grandpatents, and the gran and the tony, and his hot friend (jk) and the shields and see the photo of when my grandparents were BOTH in the honors band 50 & 51 years ago ( g-ma = cornet, g-da = oboe) and then peel out of my uniform, put on hose, heels and a black suit and go to my scholarship interview...which i thought went well... ("what 2 ppl would you have dinner with and why? James Herriot White and Gene Roddenberry!! WHAT ABOUT 4-H??? DID YOU LIKE IT?? HOW LONG?? WHAT HAS IT DONE FOR YOU???!!!!!! eepp!) and then blissfully out to dinner, home, and then SLEEP!!!!

Monday: SNOW DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no power for the whole morning, and i had to go shovel the whole frikkin' porch, but i liked it...and SLEEP!!! mwhahahaaha!!!

snark

nothing is better than riding in the car with you sisters and being unbearably silly...we sang the "opera" version of yellow submarine ;) hahahahahahaha

mwhaha..poetry!!

ok my lovelies, b/c you read faithfully, sometimes i must occationally subject you to my horrendous poetry ;-)
here goes

sing me a song
of the moon on high
when the earth's the same color
as the midnight sky
and the spirits flock from far and wide
to dance by the light
of the sun we all feel inside

teach me a ryhme
of the deep blue sea
string along and
bring it home to me
and on the banks
of the sparkling bay
you tell me of the woodland fey

read me a story
of a stallion's race
watch the wonder
upon my face
and catch me up
in the heavenly pace
for I am gone, without my grace

I TAKE IT ALL BACK......DR.GORA FRIKKIN" ROCKS!!!!!!!!!
ok, so i'm all ready to head to work, uniform packed, etc, feeling quite unhappy, when i notice a message flashing on the answering machine....its now 1:40..the lesson was supposed to be at 2...i check it...its Gora!!! i sprint around the house, gathering intrument, music, backpack (whacking the CRAP out of my metronome, b/c the damn thing kept turning itself on) call my mum, tell her to get over there and explain to him, and SPEED to town like a madwoman...i get there, hike the sax up, and get to his office only 10 minutes late...WHEW!!!
and it was so worth it...i feel like i have soooo much new information, that i might overload before i audition....they man is a genius!! and his alto sax........SWOON! its soooo pretty!!!!!!!!!! i couldn't help it, when he took it out i was like "oooooohh" heh..he just smiled..i guess he's used to it...he is all about teaching me now, i mentioned i was recommended to another teacher, and he was all like, he's good, but i think we will do just fine...heehee...yup..i'm giddy..having a person this talented on sax teaching me is just amazing...my eyes are like WIDE open...and i itch to play agian!!! WOW!! hahahaha

ahh!!

ok..this really really really SUCKS!!!!
i get all hyped up, cuz i get to have a lesson with an actual sax teacher before i audition for ASU (which serves more than one purpose as i have YET to choose my pieces) and i hear nothing back from him, other than a time...so i look up his number....i call him THREE times this morning...i emailed him back...i re-read the email at least 10 times, and i STILL can't get in touch with the man!! so i guess this means no lesson...dammit dammit dammit!!!!! after all the pestering that went in this both from me and from a certain wonderful person, this really SUCKS!!!!! gah!!! and i was so looking forward to this!

ahahaha

it is more than slightly amusing to sit at one's computer with nothing but a bathrobe on...its like standing starkers behind a one way pane of glass and making faces at the people passing by..they can't see you, but you feel naughty and liberatedly daring nonetheless

hermmmmmm.........

ya know, those cute stories i was read as i child about beatrix potter, and peter rabbit, and the cow who wouldn't come down, really bother me now and then....i mean you can't write realistic animal stories beacuse a story that goes "...and the bunny came out of its hole..hopped a bit, chewed some grass stems, ducked a hawk..." etc. etc. are very boring, and dry...so i guess its for the better if all animal stories are personified, eh?

driving home, i thought this up..mwhaha

"...the flare arched out like a cigerette butt tossed from the window of a red ford pick-up truck, speeding in the dark down some deserted 6 lane highway in somewhere depressingly flat; like Nevada, or Idaho, though Idaho is actually productive with the potatos and such, so not some much depressing flatness as fertile dark flatness; but the point is, the flare arched dramaticly in the dark sky....."

the dark of night

Oh gods, here it comes agian...the apathy, the tired numbness, mechanical plodding, cow-like docitility..the moods that comprise my athestic view-point, the down into depression and uncaring that makes me into who i am. Its as if i am paying for my last two months of vagerent emotion, my happiness, my unease, my fears, multiplied and on overload.
my whole body drags, my lids are half open, my mouth with nary a smile...
My fear has come to the fore...if it is realized...my dream-beginning is within my reach, so it seems that the closer it draws nigh, the more my doubts and paranoia and fears, draw along with it...this fear could ruin all, it could banish the day, could banish my love, could banish my dream...
I feel as if I should never smile without a grimace, never laugh without falsity, could never be in the arms of my beloved without feeling a traitor, a hypocryte to him, the one who has almost all of my heart... I know with the morning light these creeping doubts will disperse, but i also know they will return...when i don't know, but return they shall...will they ever leave me? I cry this to the sky, will I ever be able to be totally happy? I do not think it possible for me to ever divorce from myself these anti-feelings, they make me the person i am...the person who could send someone to their death, the good leader who could weep for his dead, but still send more to die if the cause was great enough...
With morning comes my deliverance...with morning comes normality...but...one day...my feelings will overwhelm me... I still do not doubt i will die alone...one day he will turn from me...he will see my hopeless despair...my loss...my apathetic non-suffering and he will leave, because i cannot change this part of me...and the frightening part is that i do not want to...and i can always hide this from the world...who would ever guess that i would be like this inside? It is not something to be spoken of..the light of day and of the world shadows the dark of my soul and leaves it un-desernable.

*snark*

just for shields:


HONK!!!

*giggles madly, waaayyy out of reach..mwhahahaha*

boohoo

and i miss my KT too.....and the snowbunny....and the jenny...and the other ppl of whom i was passionatly fond of at EGHS *horrid school* i really really really really really miss you guys....*WHINGE!!!!!!!!*
and i miss my claire....and my other darlings who went off to college and left me!! *WAHH!!*
and of course i miss my BF, but he's only gone for the weekend, so i think i can survive.....maybe....*snark*

early morning..gah!

dammit..i woke up waaaaaaayyyyy tooooooo eaaarrrlllyyy this morning...and am now sitting here studiously NOT thinking about breakfast, as i am more than resonably sure there is nothing i want to partake of in the fridge, it being grocery day...gah...blah....grumble grumble...i must practice my bari today, as i have a lesson tomorrow with someone who will EAT MY SOUL if i don't at least have a functional feel for my major scales...epp! no biggie, i mean, my last lesson teacher took fiendish delight in pounding the scales into me, *not that i ever let on that i actaully practiced the P.O.S.s* so i have at least "some" feel for them...ok i lie...all i need to know by this point is the beginning note *flashes to me studying on my break at work tonight* and i've pretty much got it *yay! and NO oh FLT of mine, you CANNOT test me on this!!! grrr!!*so that bodes well...
unfortunatly, being up this early has its numerous drawbacks...for one thing, i'm STARVING..i mean my stomach is going *FEEEEED MEEE* and usually by the time i wake up on Saturdays, i'm no longer hungry...and i don't usually eat much on those days anyway, because being at works tends to stiffle my hunger...go figure...and now, since i need to practice, i have to wait for mum's coffee to kick in, other wise i face the wrath of the maternal unit, pre-coffee...not a pleasent thought....heh..but as she says "if can sleep through your father waking up, i can sleep through a bari sax" hahahaha...she quite possibly could, but she's one of those annoying MORNING PERSONS which drive me up the whazoo, so i guess i will just go poke coffee at her and chunk a few pillows in her general direction from a safe distance....heh....anyway...

movies and revelations ;)

i have finally seen the movie Boondock Saints....and it fucking rocks...there is no other way to put it...it is just...incredible...i can't even begin to describe it, but you guys should seriously check it out...wow...talk about one of those movies designed to stick with you for your entire life...sheesh...
and anouther thing..today i sent my boyfriend off for his usual weekend crusade...and i felt..like i was saying goodbye for much longer than a weekend...it was a growing unease i've felt all night...i sincerely hope it's just my own paranoid delusions, but i am usually at least partially right on these things...and i cannot lose him...not now...porbably not for a long long time...cuz i love the bastard, which tends to make me a bit cross at times, b/c i am such an independant person, dammit, but i do...i love him..gah..there it is..out in type...sheesh..these little sneak attacks of emotions (as sarah words them) are quite strange...heh...ah well

poem

so i finally went and used that movie gift card chris got me for my birthday, using it not for Van Helsing, like i had intended, but for the movie 4 Weddings and a Funeral..which is a smashingly good flick, and filled with yummys such as being set in britain and having John Hannah as a gay man *swoon* his accent is stupendious *double swoon*
but here's the kicker..today in English we went over the poem that J. H. reads at that funeral mentioned in the title..all i could imagine was him speaking those lines with such emotion...his voice was choked with tears, and one could see the pain that lay so close to the surface of his mind...the thick scottish brogue he usually speaks in was amplified and it made the poem all the more emotional
here it is loves:

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever. I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

profile inspration

No matter how far I travel
No matter where in this world I roam
I will always remember
The peacefulness of home

To late to live my life over
Too soon to live for death
I will look in wonder
Until my very last breath

wha-hoo!!

ok, it's offical..my boyfriend ROCKS!!!!!
do you have any clue what the sweet, lovable boy got me for Valentine's Day???!!!
STARGATE SEASON 1 ON DVD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and a bunch of beautiful flowers!)
but STARGATE!!! hell yeah!!!!
whee!!!
*kisses to the lovely one!!*

to my cat, katrina

stalking down back corridors
leaping from crate to crate
pausing to lick a paw or tail
though she dallies, is never late

Oh mighty tiger-cat, can
we glance at your slivered tail?
and stroke your gleaming flanks
Oh what would that entail?

A cautious saucer of cream
left lovingly at your cat-shrine
we adore your careful paws
and consider your stature devine

hannah ideals

just to set the record straight once and for all...
i hate drugs.
knowing exactly more than enough about horticulture/plants, i must say that anyone who partakes of those organic halluigen beauties is a damn fool...and anyone foolish enough to try something out of mere courisity is just as stupid as the person who trys it out of ignorance and peer-pressure...
i my self am courisious about all things....but having the background in raising flora that i do, and in seeing my mum train police/drug dogs, i have never had the inclination to try drugs of any kind...in watching a brutially trained german sheppard attack a man in a full body suit and still cause damanage despite the protection, i wondered how anyone could be stupid enough to do/peddle/make drugs....the treat of mutilation and legal percecution was enough to deter me from ever having even so much as touched a drug...of any sort
i have developed a distaste for any sort of mood affector over the course of my 18 years...after all, how could one read as much (and what) i have and not? how could one have seen as much as i have and not? yes, prehaps i am narrow-minded...prehaps i over react to something which in fact could be quite harmless...but i refuse to let any foul and blighted drug touch me, in any way shape or form....knowing that someone does drugs, subjects themselves to such a violation causes me to look upon them without trust..and in most cases, also with pity...i cannot condone it...and i will not ever allow it near me...it is my nature not to change a person's life...in fact, it is one thing i will not do...i will not question a person's religion, though i myself am an atheist...i will not ask them not to do something which they want to do, even if i think it stupid and foolish...and i will not ask someone to "let me convince them" of my view...it is not my place..i can say my bit, speak my piece, but i will not change a person...and though a few of my friends have done drugs/ still do drugs, i cannot condemn them...but they do not have my trust....a person who is not in full possesion of one's self is not a person i can trust completly...

mum's office wall quote

" Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving in an attractive and well-preserved body.......But rather a skid in sideways, champagne in one hand, strawberries in the other, body throughly used up, totally worn out and screaming; "Whoo-hoo! What a ride!"

whoo!!

so good news!
today, in the afternoon, the orchestra teacher *really GOOD percussionist! and he does awesome things in the orchestra too, really cool dude* calls and tells me that i get to go play with the regional orchestra, if i can, as they have invited me too, needing a bari sax!!!! and they totally understand that i have state auditions that saturday *march 4-6* but i can still play with them if i want to !!!! b/c they invited me!! how COOL is that??
heehee....

frost was a stargazer

Canis Major
by Robert Lee Frost

The great Overdog
That heavenly beast
With a star in one eye
Gives a leap in the east.
He dances upright
All the way to the west
And never once drops
On his forefeet to rest.
I'm a poor underdog,
But to-night I will bark
With the great Overdog
That romps through the dark.

yay!!

hurray Josh!!!!
i'm sooooo proud of you!! congrats!!!!!
my favorite guy is so awesome, i hope this works out so well for you!
you've got so much support from this end, you are loved by eckerds!

LIMERICK!

Hickory, dickory dock
the mouse refused the clock
the nursery sued
the clock came unglued
and the mouse had something to mock!

a side note

ok, so in the last "story" i pictured Death as looking a bit like the guy from "Sweet Home Alabama", the one she's trying to devorce her husband to marry, the mayor's son? but then i re-watched "Meet Joe Black" last night..and i'm all over Brad Pitt's hair...he's got perfect hair for Death ;-)

shower inspritation

She thought about Death constantly. Not causally, and not with the screaming heebie-jeebies like most of her high-powered excec co-workers, but constantly. Wistfully. With a calm detachment.

She got home from work late that night, kicking the door to her expensive apartment shut and tossing her keys onto the marble countertop of her kitchen. Releaving herself of her high-heeled torments, causually clunking them to the floor where she stood, still with her purse over her shouldar, she dropped her briefcase on the kitchen table and wandered into the living room. Spacious was how her agent had described it...and it was indeed...high vaulted ceiling, big glass windows and all. A real bitch to clean.

Much as she had thought of Death she didn't expect to see it sitting unobtrusively in her living room, reading the Obits in the New York Times, wearing a discrete black turtle neck, and looking like the mayor's son.
She stopped...looked him over...yeah, Death alright..right down to his carefully trimmed fingernails and his to-die-for styled hair...that perfect cut never quite managed, unless you were born with it, the kind of hair that fell perfectly, but never looked purposeful...
She stared at him, her eyebrows delicately arched, and he slowly looked up at her, his eyes pale, mild and unfantomable, with humor lines waiting in the wings on his face. Still looking into her eyes he said, his voice low, laugh-tinged and calm; "So pretty girl...wanna go for a ride?"

samll poetry

1.
heavenly flowers
whispering admonitions
speak to those small souls

2.
lotus blossoms, and
cherry petals, drift slowly
contrast hasty dreams

3.
riches unbounded
saffron scarves, thick with silk threads
touch not, pilgrim seer

musings..agian

Stretching out a hand, she touched the stars. Peaceful, guileless in their spherical dance, alive, but not aware. Awake, but not conscious.
{Why bring to the fore half forgotten cruelty?}
Her ship without power, like a monument to man’s vast un-tolerated, unforgivable arrogance, drifting slowly to its demise. Curled at an ice-sheathed window, fingering stars she’d never be near, she shed her last tears. It was in the end unfair, to the last unjust. Space never forgave; errors were magnified beyond all reckoning, and to risk it all was to lose more in time.
Daring to spread her Icarus wings, she’d gained the heavens, and paid for her fascination with her life. The story never really changed. In the end the universe would plunge on without heed, never minding the small radar-blip of the last human crusader.
Her slim fingers…extending in a half crescent-shape of longing, index pointed out, thumb askance to the cause, others grouped in small extensions of confusion and ignorance, sheep-like. Touching the frosty glass, at first glance a courtier’s hands; pale, slim hands; at closer interrogation, the spacer’s calluses and rough hewn nails came to the fore.
She watched her tears fall softly on the seat where she was to die. She leaned foreword and kissed the cold, cold glass, leaving behind her lip’s signature when she withdrew. She would love to her last struggled breath those unsympathetic stars, and see that last breath gasped towards the lights that now filled her tear-glazed eyes.
“Never, now nor after, will I regret my journey.” She said softly to her derelict ship. “Touch not the face of God, and take not the hands of angels. Bring forth from your past the strength for tomorrow, and gain from that the wisdom for now.” So leaving her last pearl for her ship, she again turned her face to the window.
Reaching out once more with those slim fingers, she gently pushed the airlock button. She heard the doors swish softly shut behind her, and heard the ship reseal itself. Once more the pale, careful hand reached out and pressed a jewel-hued button. The hand returned to the lap of the one it was a part of, to lie with its companion, crossed soft as two pale doves at rest.
As the airlock blew, as she was flung ruthlessly to her beloved stars, as her lungs screamed; her face remained composed, her gentle smile still in place, and her eyes still full of stars.