the dark of night

Oh gods, here it comes agian...the apathy, the tired numbness, mechanical plodding, cow-like docitility..the moods that comprise my athestic view-point, the down into depression and uncaring that makes me into who i am. Its as if i am paying for my last two months of vagerent emotion, my happiness, my unease, my fears, multiplied and on overload.
my whole body drags, my lids are half open, my mouth with nary a smile...
My fear has come to the fore...if it is realized...my dream-beginning is within my reach, so it seems that the closer it draws nigh, the more my doubts and paranoia and fears, draw along with it...this fear could ruin all, it could banish the day, could banish my love, could banish my dream...
I feel as if I should never smile without a grimace, never laugh without falsity, could never be in the arms of my beloved without feeling a traitor, a hypocryte to him, the one who has almost all of my heart... I know with the morning light these creeping doubts will disperse, but i also know they will return...when i don't know, but return they shall...will they ever leave me? I cry this to the sky, will I ever be able to be totally happy? I do not think it possible for me to ever divorce from myself these anti-feelings, they make me the person i am...the person who could send someone to their death, the good leader who could weep for his dead, but still send more to die if the cause was great enough...
With morning comes my deliverance...with morning comes normality...but...one day...my feelings will overwhelm me... I still do not doubt i will die alone...one day he will turn from me...he will see my hopeless despair...my loss...my apathetic non-suffering and he will leave, because i cannot change this part of me...and the frightening part is that i do not want to...and i can always hide this from the world...who would ever guess that i would be like this inside? It is not something to be spoken of..the light of day and of the world shadows the dark of my soul and leaves it un-desernable.