soul-bruised

it seems i might have inadvertantly hurt someone i care about...which is surprising considering how empathic i am..maybe years of surpressing my emotions and senses have finally taken their toll...i was shocked and very hurt to read a comment from said friend, that stated that i needed to get over myself...with my sudden and complete joy at finding a person who cared for me, i think i have forgotten how radical happiness is from my usual mood...yes, i "fell victim to one of the classic blunders," in that depression seems to find my disillusioned state a very nice place to breed... but i wonder if my friend realizes how small my sense of self-worth is...i don't consider myself talented any more, i consider myself a plain person who happens to occationally "find a truffle" as the saying goes...my life is hard work, honey, its being used as the universal band bitch, its having to clean up after countless people who can't take care of themselves (i dread seeing the uniform room on monday) its being the youngest and most taken for granted at work, its a hard path to take...and just when i finally feel physically wanted, when i finally feel like i can open myself up to someone and be happy, i am suddenly chastised for believing in my ablilty to make someone else's day brighter...am i not allowed to have this time? the first flush of blissful happiness in a relationship? i am sorry if this offends you....and i am sorry that you, one of my most trusted and beloved friends would try to cast me down for the sudden wealth of stale emotions flooding my being...i so rarely find a person i can trust, a person whom i might love, like i know i can love...i am a contradiction shields..a messed up oxymoron who has yet to discover a relationship that has not made her misreble...i am sorry honey...but i can't help my joy..and i hope you feel avenged for it..you made me cry, you killed my wonderful day...you won! go you!
i don't do well with love..but this contempt...this i am used to...my father...the boys i would love...my own band...and now you...why my darling? am i really as awful as i believe i might be in my darkest, midnight, soul-sick hours? can i not savor the new freedom that i have discovered as the shackles that have tethered my heart slowly slip away? i actually understand what you say..and i hurts me to find that i agree with you on some points...but right now..right now i will have my happiness, because i believe my years of penatence for breaking a boy's heart long ago are over...i have been given another chance at love and i am taking it..just as i love you, i may be allowed to love another...