ok ok

This is going to be one of those entries that harkens back to my depressed days...so hold on…
Most of you lovelies know that I have found a really wonderful, awesome and sweet guy who is making me blissfully happy… but ya’ll also know how much it takes for me to actually let go all my reservations and barriers in a relationship… I worry about hurting my partner, I worry about not loving them in return, not caring as much for them as they do for me…this is why I do not date…well, one of the main reasons…I despise the feeling I get when I first realize I do not love someone the way they would have me love them…it makes my heart feel like lead, and then feel like it has disappeared… its not something I can change, but I have never been big on deep emotions…I am fond of many people, in fact I do truly love a few, but for most I feel only the slightest depth for…its distressing, to say the least…I used to wonder if something was wrong with me, but know I know its just how I am…but my boyfriend...he is making me oh so happy, so amazed at the way he cares…it is truly eye-opening
The other problem I have with relationships is commitment…I used to say I just “got bored” with boyfriends, to make it seem like it was my fault, that I was the one who was to blame for the relationship failing, because I thought it would make it easier on them if they thought it was all my fault...I would rather have them curse me, and avoid me then think less of themselves…I try to take away people’s pain far too much...when I see one of my children hurting I will do anything in my power to try to ease it…it hurts me in return to take away their pain, it makes me feel like their mother, someone who is only there to soothe their hurts, kiss their foreheads and send them on their ways…I try to give them parts of me and I get them handed back without a second thought…I enjoy cooking for them, I enjoy touching them and telling them I love them, but in sooth, it makes me all the more lonely to do this…
I am trying, in some obscure hana’li way to explain what I am feeling right now…relationships usually make me feel trapped, tied down… I think this is mostly because of my view of life and what I want from it…I want to be my own person for a while, because I am very independent, and I want to travel, see the world (as it goes) and meet new and interesting people... I want a career, and I want my own life…I had it all figured out, I would have my life, no one to impede me in what I wanted to pursue, no husband, no children, no ties, no heaviness in my heart because I was responsible for another soul…when I was figuring out my life-plan, I never planned on love…I never planned on actually finding someone worth giving up my plans for…because I think I would have resented that person for life...but now I am confused…I have had this problem before…but in the long run, I don’t know the answer to this one… because this is not a “problem,” it is me being afraid of happiness…me being far too worried about falling in love then actually doing it...what if I hurt this guy who is making me so happy? I am already pretty sure that he will not hurt me, no matter how much of myself I give to him, but I don’t think I could bear it if I hurt him… and so I’m kind of in the same position I have always found myself in…except this time…I care about him…and I want to fall in love with him...in fact I don’t think I have a choice this time, I’m already half way there, jk, how often do I find a guy this wonderful J?? But in all seriousness…this is new to me…and I hope I go about it the right way…this is one thing I will have go right...I will not mess this up… because I think I have found someone….