*sigh*

life is hard
very hard
i'm begining to think the first love maybe not be the one that lasts...i'm tired of guilt trips...tired of other women.....tired of this excitment over some stupid adolecence fantasy that's flying in from out of town friday...what's so great? thousands of ppl have gone over to iraq....and only a small percentage have died or been wounded....and just b/c this girl was his childhood friend doesn;t mean she's the end all be all of friends.....she's "wonderful, funny, just pretty happy, has must see boobs, a great personality, extrodinaire, been-lusting-after-since-she-was-15 sort of girl"
and he wonders why i hurt...why i lash out...why i am so unhappy....if i have to hear one more thing about this girl, or indeed any of his other girls (of which there are quite a few), i think i will just give up and leave.
he says i'm on another playing field, that i'm his favorite....than how come i don't feel that way?
how can i be happy when i know he doesn't have the line betweeen thinking something is attractive, and being attracted (yes, sexually) to it. when he needs other things to keep himself happy and with me?
now you know why an open relationship seemed best...hurts less than cheating.
he wonders why i just cant be happy...why when he changes his mind about our life i want to scream..why when i;ve taken special care to dress a certain way, look a certain way, all he can say is i'm "cute" CUTE?? do i want to be cute??? no!! i want to be his "goddess" agian. to not have him say he loves me out of tradition/routine...to not be second place..do i want to be the best in everything? you are damn right i do! i'm not settling for a medicore relationship...i'm his damn girlfriend for goodness sakes....i want to be the best he's ever had in everything! in the bedroom, in his definition of beautiful and sexy, in taste and every little thing..i want to excel at being his girlfriend...i don't want to settle for "just being nice to him." thats all he claims to want..but even when i am, i can see his eyes straying...and i can tell the differance between lying and truth. what so wrong with wanting to be the best he's ever had in his bed? i don;t want to hear about some stupid whore from in the army (and yes, this is not meanness, she actually was a whore..both of them were) who could please him better...*tries to be delicate* i want to be so wonderful a girlfriend that his eyes will never stray...so that we can actually do the french thing, and sit on benches looking at the passersby and go "attractive...good body...nice outfit" and have him not ONCE picture one of these ppl in his bed...or even feel those stirrings...if its not possible, than i will still never stop trying, but i want to be that to him...and i want him the way he was when we started dating..so tender and onderful and could make me want him with just a look...WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED???? i'm not the only one who changed...