urgh
ok, scratch the confidence-in-my-talent issue...it's a bunch of bullshit...gods, this weekend sucked...and after all that worry, that practice, that anticipation, that TRIP TO THOMASVILLE...i still suck at music...i finished DEAD LAST...not a nice 4th like last year, but dead fucking last...i think this qualifies as one of those signs...ya know...that i really shouldn't be doing this? or i didn't want it enough? or that despite all the practice, i still didn't push my self hard enough? i know i could have given it more...i KNOW i'm better than that...so how come i can never back it up? how come, when it comes right down to it, i always fail? people humor me, because i love music so much...but in truth, they must be fooling either me or themselves...so what if i got into ASU? i know i gave a shitty preformance this weekend, and i know dr.gora must have reservations about taking me on...i'm not that spectacular...i can't play worth a damn... and apprently my pride and joy, my bari, is a piece of junk...this comment coming from someone i trust to help me achieve some goals at least..but i guess i'm not good enough...i hope that this isn't a warning of things to come...i would hate to go through all this trouble, and pain just to find out that college is just as awful as now....what if i can't hock it? what if i really can't play worth a damn? don't i owe it to my self and the people around me to stop while i can, without ruining this thing i love? and since i signed up for a music/ composition major, i have to send in some orginal work...i thought that's what they were supposed to be teaching me to do! my personal compositions total, maybe...3...and they want 3-4...which means, no sleep...too much to do..and i really didn't try hard enough this weekend...i mean..i copped out...i'm sure i could have pushed myself harder...instead "i'm exhausted! i feel bad!"... but guess what?? that excuse doesn't work in the real world...i should have tried harder...practiced more, or pushed myself harder, or SOMETHING!!!! i have got to do better...i can't suck this badly next year...it's not fair to the ppl who want me to succeed...it's not fair to myself, to not push myself harder...i don't care if i hurt myself...at least i won't be known as the one who gave up, b/c of a shitty audition she should have beasted
posted by hana'li @ 5:16 PM
2 Comments:
*a mighty thunder from the gods appears, relentlyessly rumbling overhead, grating up into a crashing cresendo...*
**SWAK!!!!**
the silver's wicked awesome un-pause-able-sister-beater lands yet another across the self-doubting noggin of the han... SNAP OUT OF IT, YOU FRIGIN' BAKA OR YOU REALLY WILL HAVE SOMETHING -in the shape of a bruise on you HEAD- TO COMPLAIN ABOUT... *sheesh* have you seen me make ANY of the auditions i've been to? herm??? have you seen me get INVITED to play with an all district orchestra????!? NO AND NO AND NO (er...too many no's) so stop your whining, we all know you can do it, and about 50 fans just can't be wrong, so one more self-doubting peep outta you and i'm definately taking a leaf outta josh[ie]'s book and revoking your complaining privledges... or beating the crap outta you and donating your sax to teh salvation army where a church group will probably buy it and us it for show an tell for the kindergarten class and thy will ALL TOUCH IT and LEAVE BIG GROSS (marshmellow encrusted) FINGER PRINTS ON IT (you remember that summer of bible school???? you want that to happen agian??? DO YOU WANT YOU SAX AT THE MERCY OF A BUNCH OF UNWASHED HEATHENS IN PINAFORES???) then stop saying your not good enough and frickin' PRACTICE
wow...love you guys..ok..maybe i whinged a bit..but when i get depressed, i tend to whine..sorry..no more self deprecaiton...well..not any more pity-fests anyway...love
Post a Comment
<< Home